Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
