I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
