I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
