So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
