Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
