I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
