like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She even gives head with a lisp.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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