a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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