I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
