you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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