he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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