the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
