You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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