I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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