Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
