well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
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I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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