i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
