I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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