i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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