He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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