He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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