There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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