He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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