sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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