someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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