I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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