actually, I'm a sock model
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
