You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do herpes really smell.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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