You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
