fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
