On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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