I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
