eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
