I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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