Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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