My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
