I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
