why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
