Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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