Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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