i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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