i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
