True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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