I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
