Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
