If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
