You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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