I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
