You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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