He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
