the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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