I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
