He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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