Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Boobs are out for the taking
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
