He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
